Today is December 20, 1 week after Hanukah, several days before Christmas. I am writing this looking out at the snowcapped peaks of Deer Valley, Utah. This is our 11th annual family ski trip. However I did not think that I would continue to be part of this wonderful family tradition. After returning from our 6th year vacation I noted some blood in my urine. After several quickly done x-rays I was found to have a very large cancer in my left kidney. My recovery was very rapid and I soon was back at work. I thought that I had been given a "warning" of sorts and that I needed to change the way I provided cancer care in some way. I now knew what it was like to be the patient hearing those terrifying words ("You've got cancer"), of what it was like to have tests done and have to wait for their results, of having a doctor answer your questions, of just getting a hug or a handshake.
I returned to my practice with determination and a fresh supply of energy. I began to read books about healing and meditation, about life, death, reincarnation and about different religious interpretations of these events. In subsequent issues of BIOSPHERE I will discuss details of "Lessons learned by an oncologist when he becomes the patient". The story I wanted to discuss during the Holiday season has to do with being inspired and also will explain how BIOS got its logo.
I was raised in a home where we practiced Conservative Judaism. We went to synagogue on the High Holy Days and at age 13 I became a Bar Mitzvah. This means that I went up on the stage at the synagogue and read from the Torah.In the Jewish tradition this marks the transition to becoming a man. I always believed in God, and often sought his help through prayers on my way through medical school. I remember often debating my friends on why there had to be a God, a spirit that somehow caused this universe to become manifested. I did not believe that God intervened in the lives of human and animal beings, but instead left the outcomes to a principle I called "fate". We could influence our fate by our actions, such as by not smoking or not driving while intoxicated, but generally the outcomes were somehow predetermined by my concept of fate.
During my early years in practice people often said that God or Jesus would heal them. I did not believe that this could happen because I did not think that God or Jesus would interfere in any way with the outcome of events, neither for benefit or harm. Fortunately I did not share my cynicism with regards to a Higher Power not intervening with their disease, but I also did little to encourage their wishes and prayers for a better outcome. I was truly ignorant of even the emotional benefits of belief that God might help them.
I learned during my first x-ray test after I had been told of my kidney cancer of the need to believe that praying to God could somehow make my return to wellness more likely. The diagnosis of lymphoma and a subsequent reoccurrence of my kidney cancer helped to strengthen my need to believe in God. How he works and whether his will is consonant with mine I do not know. But the comfort I receive when I know he is there with me when I have a CAT scan or am waiting to find out about my progress is hard to quantify.
This new spiritual interest has lead me to inquire more often into how my patients use a reliance and faith in their God as part of their healing process. Recently there have been very interesting and well-conducted studies published in medical journals on the topic of intercessory prayer. This type of prayer refers to other people praying for your healing. The results are fascinating and have had a major impact on my acceptance of the Power of Prayer in helping to heal. I will discuss this literature more fully in a future issue of BIOSPHERE.
Well, as I was saying the topic of this article was going to give you some insight into how we got our BIOS logo and about how I became inspired to accept faith and hope as gifts from my Higher Power. Well one morning, almost 2 years ago, shortly after my last surgery for a single metastasis from my kidney cancer, I was feeling very discouraged. I was having a terrible time trying to make plans for the future. This is a significant problem because I had to decide about the future of a large Oncology practice and more importantly about my family. I could not think clearly enough to initiate any plans beyond 3 months into the future. This was the interval between my CAT scans. My fear of another reoccurrence made having any faith in a future almost impossible to contemplate. So I decided this morning that since I had several hours before I needed to be in my office that I would go for a walk at the beach. This usually helped to lift my spirits. I started driving towards Malibu with a very cluttered mind full of a very lengthy "to do" list and unable to sort out how to get it done. Then I had a flash. Why not ask God to help me? I entered into a rather long monologue with Him. I asked Him to show me some sign that everything would turn out all right. I was starting to feel a glimmer of calmness, and in that moment I decided to boldly suggest to Him a sign that I would recognize as truly coming from Him. I said that if I saw a whale today I knew that he would be letting me know that things would turn out okay. I had not seen a whale in almost 3 years in my frequent sojourns to Malibu.
I continued my drive through the Canyon road to Malibu feeling a little more serene. I parked my car and started to stroll barefoot along the water's edge. I found a long, gnarly piece of driftwood and decided to pick it up and use it as a walking stick. The surf was quite calm, but the water had a winter chill. The early morning sun warmed my face. I had almost forgotten my "wish" when I saw a large gray fluke leap out of the water. I thought that I must have mistaken what appeared to be the tail fin of a whale for what was likely just the surf splashing against the volcanic rock near the ocean's edge. But then I saw 2 magnificent whales playfully leaping in the kelp beds, feeding on the abundant fish that swim in the shallow water. For the next 30 minutes I stared, smiled and felt a warm glow as I watched the most awesome performance I had ever seen. It was as if these 2 whales were performing a ballet for me. I turned to walk back to my car and took my walking stick and wrote a message to God in the sand. "Thanks for the whales".
At times since then when my spirits are low I just have to remember the whales and I instantly have faith that things will work themselves out. This does not mean that life will necessarily turn out as I might wish. However it has been my experience that it often turns out much better than I had hoped. So when we were discussing our plans for the future of BIOS the scene where my faith was restored that morning walking along the beach in Malibu seemed to me so compelling that it had to somehow be included in our theme. As you will note all of our BIOS materials include the picture of two whales leaping out of the ocean. When I see this it reminds me of the importance of faith in God in my life and the hope for a future. I also remember that the future is the day after today, and that life can only be lived, and appreciated in the present. I hope that when you see those 2 whales in our logo that you will recall my experience and be rewarded as well with hope and faith.
May God bless all of you.